everybody. somebody. nobody

everybody needs somebody sometimes. everybody needs somebody on his mind. standing all alone. short of breath and tired eyes. shaking to the bone. overdressed and nowhere to go. well, because everybody needs somebody sometimes.

it's ego. the ego inside me. i refused somebody's hug i wanted. i refused somebody's kiss i wanted. i turned somebody's love down 'cause i thought it will always be there. i was confident. and a little uncertain. somebody is too good to be true. and somebody thought i am too good to be true, too. we are everything we never wanted. and all the things we didn't need.

i'm left to cry here. waiting outside there. grinning with a lost stare. when somebody is holding somebody else's hand. then somebody is crying over somebody else. you would think to yourself, that tears were supposed to be yours. and you look into each teardrop. trying to find your shadow inside. but it's too blur to be seen. if you are still somebody in somebody's eyes. if you are nobody nomore.

i say i love you. you say that is kind. you don't wanna get too close. you loved me crazy. i lost my mind. i wish i could say to you that. i know things aren't quite like what they used to be. we could try, yeah, could we try? and what would you say. if i tell you that i ain't giving up. however long it takes. but i know. what is gone is gone. teach me how to rewind to better my decision? better my move?

not that i don't want wanna share a life with you. not that i don't want you to be in my life. it's just that i'm the one whom i need to be true to. it's just you gotta know that it's gotta be right. before hearts are opened for somebody. we don't need somebody to complete us. we complete ourselves. nobody's got to belong to somebody else. well, we give all of our love. but do we give all of our souls too? ask ourselves: are our hearts in possession of somebody. is somebody our reflection. who am i is defined by who am i with?

i cried with no tears. i cried with no sound. i don't even know if that's a cry at all. still. i cried in silence. i lived through you. i've given everything away. and maybe i can learn to fall. for somebody who can give me all. the things i'm not afraid to lose. i left somebody with nothing. somebody took everything from me. now nobody's gonna be somebody's somebody. waiting for anybody to pick up these pieces.

i was never one to patiently pick up broken pieces and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. what is broken is broken. what is gone is gone, and i'd rather remember it as it was at its best, than to mend it and see the broken places as long as i lived. somebody once tole me "why bother fixing the broken pieces if it's gonna hurt your hands?"  

my tight grip is loosening. i am losing you. into your eyes. hopeless and taken. we stole our new lives. through blood and pain. in defense of our dream. broken empty dream. we are the victims of ourselves. darkness comes and all. announcing it's over. these lessons that we've learnt. have only just begun. goodnight. and be slept.

somebody's nobody
nobody's somebody
Nsxon x

compilation two

prolong from compilation one ......

mark the beginning of the end

december. december. remember december. as the end of the year. what we call the beginning is often the end. and to make an end is to make a beginning. the end is where we start from.

this year has been a year of great change. a significant twist. an inexorable bend i took in the fork of my life. a restless journey.
to that someone: the moment you made your decision on the path you may lead on, you get yourself an one-way ticket. you shall walk down proudly even there may be horrendous obstacles all the way. remember, you are not defined by which choice you made, but defined by how you overcome the obstruction. why fritter away your time and effort drowning in thoughts of remorse when you should be focusing on the next step you are to take to thwart future regrets?

needless to say, the main loop in my life this year is the opening door to college life. there are numerous eloquent 'revolution' - or rather rebellion - fired up in these past few months. the introduction to city night life -  cigarette, alcohol (more), nightclub - as well as the independence in life which thrills me most. albeit not fully independent in term of financial reliance, living on my own is simply awesome. but this is also when self-respect, self-worth and self-will begin to kick in some vital roles in life. strength of mind.

the most noteworthy newborn would be the friends i met in college! which totally opposed the presupposition i had - where people who study in Taylor's are all rich snobbish brats with toffee noses so high they will easily get stung by bees - which proved to be fictitious in my class and friends i meet around college (or at least to me). lol. they are all cool little monsters who'r pretty sincere and earnest, so far.

and you know there's friendship born at the moment when one person says to another "What! you, too? thought i was the only one." (you get what i mean) and it's a blessing when you can be stupid with them. ha-ha-ha. perhaps the most delightful friendships are those is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.

there's one who's as crazy as i am. there's one who looks like a bitch but not the attitude. there's one whose mind is more polluted than mine. there's one who's always blur and blob. there's one who always trip and fall. there's one who's always with bright smile. there's one who's a retarded head. there's one who's the mommy. there's one who's the monkey. there's one who's a lala hamster. there's one who's sweet as strawberry. there's one who's nuts. there's one who is father's father. there's one who's a macho flintstone. there's one who's very down-to-earth. there's one whose cock can sing. there's one with an umbrella naturally. and there are more who are simply caring, lovely, affectionate, amorous, and fun! oh. and thank god they are all open-minded =)

who would expect that one could go through this much in just six months? friendships - newborn yet not raw - which is cherished and cosy, which also went through dumps and put on test, which actually further toughen and strengthen our relationship (i hope)...
and quote Thoreau "the most i can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. i have no wealth to bestow on him. if he knows that i am happy in loving him. he will want no other reward. is not friendship divine in this? "

this year has got me through sunlights and downpours. laughter and tears. gaining and losing. love. emotional and distant. but i will always awake every morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. rain comes and go. sun comes and go. passerby comes and go. lover comes and go, too. but there will always be a few friends who are always there, staying, no matter the distance.

a brief candle; both ends burning.
an endless mile; a bus wheel turning.
a friend to share the lonesome times.
a handshake and a sip of beer.
so say it loud and let it ring.
we are all a part of everything.
the future. present. and the past.

and if someone asks what great lesson have you learnt throughout this year. i would confidently answer "depth of friendship does not depend or measure on length of acquaintance."


i love you. my friends. old and new
Nsxon x

compilation one

just finished my exam and officially ended my first semester of A-level. tongue in cheek. was grumbling being busier than a bee. now whining for disintegrating in front of the lethargic clock. what's my plan for this 5-week? no plan is the plan.

went through my compilation of photograph from places i have been to these recent years. to fill my thirst and hunger for the time being. and picked some random snapshots to share. for your pleasure.

and the pussy ate the pigeons =)

Nsxon x

Sinful Bed. and ten millions fireflies

fireflies
it's hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when i'm asleep. çause everything is never what it seems.

owl
leave my door open just a crack. çause i feel like such an insomniac. why do i tire of counting sheep. when i'm far too tired to fall asleep.

bed
i discovered a sinful bed. in a sinister room. somewhere too deep and too far. for the sun to find. i discovered a sinister bed. in a sinful room. somewhere you sleep from the moon. and wake up  to the moon, too. i discovered a sinful pleasure. for my sleep redemption. thank you and  fuck you =)


my name is Sinful Slumber
Nsxon x

Heartbreak Warfare

when you are once again waiting.  another day had just sneak away
awake in the middle of the dark.  realized the world just cut you out
when you do not understand.  the sudden leaving of loves
what you could hear from the muted cry.  is only you yourself

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is not the one whom you love
and a confound twinge strike your hear silently

grasping on something. which you are losing
and tend to realize more. when you stop anticipating
and you know. there's still a route in front needed to be led on

believing that one day. the pain will come to an end
and tend to realize more. when you stop banking on
and such enervated. such powerless. yet such reality

i'm in love. with my creators. with my lovers. with my friends
and my enemies
i love their loves. their rhythms. their minds. their differences
and dreams were made and used and wasted
there was no ransom to be paid

lightning strikes. inside my chest to keep me up tonight
dream of ways. to make you understand my pain
clouds of sulphur in the air. bombs are falling everywhere
it's a heartbreak warfare
once you want it to begin
and no one really wins
in a heartbreak warfare

when one day you open your eyes
found out you are abandoned
and the world threw you off the edge
and your feet ran off the ground

drop his name
push it in and twist the blade again
watch our faces
as we pretend to feel no pain

how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far i fall
God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me to
but i can't break it through at all

we could stand by the side
and watch this life pass us by
so unhappy.  but safe as could be

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is there with you with his shoulder standby
is crying with you over the loves you have lost
is understanding every silence you do not make
and a strange solace creeps into your aching heart silently

and when the misinterpretation and misguided ghosts
be the unspoken humor left behind the minds

i don't care if we do not sleep at all tonight
let's just fix this whole thing now
i swear to God we're gonna get it right
if you lay your weapon down
red wine and ambien

sooner or later
everything will be left behind
we will walk again.  together
and live the changing life. like 'just for today'
smile the pain. and cry the joke.

in one single moment. your whole life can turn 'round
you stand there for a minute staring straight into the ground
looking to the left slightly. then looking back down
world feels like it'd caved in - proper sorry frown

so then i move my hand up from down by my side
it's always shakin. my life's crashing down before my eyes
turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
touch the bottom of your chin and let out a sigh

you're talking shit again.  it's a heartbreak warfare
tell George Bush to "stop the war"
like he's no longer the president already
tell Obama to "heal the wound"
like he's no longer black already

clouds and sulphur in the air.
bombs are falling everywhere

good to know.  it's all a game.
disappointment has a name. it's a heartbreak warfare.



JM's Battle Studies
Nsxon x

Jealousy, look what have you done!

in the game of jealousy, who wins? it is not a barometer by which the depth of our care or affection can be read, it records the degree of my insecurity. yeah, my insecurity. i may be confident. but there may be diffidence. i don't expect you to comprehend. cause i don't even understand, myself. jealousy in friendship? jealousy in love? and yeah i know. jealousy is simply lousy.

this is when jealousy clashes with the supposedly open mind. crashed. bam. leaving me lying on the floor. in my blood. shattered all the pieces of parts. never thought i'd fall so hard. will you try putting me back together? ne'ermind. it's too torn-apart. jealousy is not lethal nor terminal. a disease not so fatal. but fatigue. every time i will heal myself. get back up. and move on...   and every time i will be knocked down on the floor. in my blood. for the second time around. and over and over again. i don't know when am i gonna get totally worn-out and never get back up again.

they say Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. a little can enhance the savor. but too much can spoil the pleasure. and under certain circumstances. can be life-threatening. it is the dragon in paradise. the hell of heaven. and the most bitter of all emotions. simply cause it is associated with the sweetest. doesn't sound so bad after all eh?

and sometimes i feel lonely. even with your poised presence there. cause you never show me your heart. while you know my unsecured fortification. my masquerades. we are meant to collide. like stoneheart and hand grenade. you and i are not the same. or maybe you and i are too the same. there we are, standing outside. neither of neither letting neither entering neither hearts.

why could you not be like them who are naked in front of me?

wait... maybe it's just my reverie. my hallucination. please wake me up. there's no chemistry after all.

why do we say things we can't take back? why do we miss what we never had? after what the heart and mind have gone through. from Sahara to Antarctica. from summer to winter. and winter turned to rain. and the rain turned into tears upon the heart... but still. we are where we were. now the winds are calling up. we can't stop the rain. wish that you take it all back. but it's too late. it's too late. it's too late.

you've got hold on me. what've you made me become?
Nsxon x

and i love you, too

from last night's alcohol, till tonight's lemon tea. thoughts enthused. sentiment stirred. flushed up in the head by the liquid, with some yak with a few friend   (whom i call friend?) and the tobacco tang on the lips.

love at first sight  - definition: 'romantic attraction for a stranger on the first sight of them' -  some read it as a trope in fiction. some query such fairytale-like. i too, doubt in fairytale. but i believe in this phenomenon. simply cause i experienced it before. twice. which are both exhilarating and enlivening. which one did not set in train (start on) anyway. the conception of "they glow in your eyes" may seem rather far-fetched and implausible. but i will say "hell yeah" they do. of course they don't literally glow like a bulb, mind you.

leave out all the rest.

i am a lazy bum. a very very very lazy bum. i do not simply get involve in a relationship. too lazy to maintain one. unless i am really into you - someone whom i could envisage a far future - then i will. and when i do, i will be very devoted and committed in it (besides, providing that i am so very into you). but this always ended up me being a wounded raccoon - as the more you care the more you get hurt - with those left-broken-empty-in-despair-wanna-breath-can't-find-air kinda heartache. that's why now i don't care so much anymore. just give it a shot without being bothered by the consequence or how much does our feeling weigh and see how it lead us. just follow the flow.

when you expect nothing you get nothing. and sometimes you may even get surprises. but when you expect everything, what you get is only one thing. disappointment.

when you are hurt and pathetically licking your own wounds in despair. have you ever wondered someone(s) somewhere is also licking his wound caused by you, unintentionally? to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. well, to that person, i would say "come out come out come out come out!" whoever you are. shut your eyes tightly. clench your fist 'til they almost bleed. cautiously, lightly. gently expose what is underneath.

whatever.

i do not judge them. i evaluate. some may think that as a form of judgement. but who cares? i am good with everyone. i love all of them for a certain reason and i dislike them for a certain reason too. now it all depends on the counterbalance, weighing the weighty. and they say we should enlarge people's good quality and shadow the bad. so they say... well, they also say i am too cool. unapproachable. i do not reveal myself to everyone, easily. i may know a lot of things. i may know nothing. about myself or each of them. which i will only disclose if i am close to you. and for that to happen, i will have to fall in love with my friend first. of course not the romance kinda love but how much could we relate on our level. roar. sounds so snobbish. "some call it arrogant, i call it confident". but there are so many faces out there. how do you know which to trust and which to divulge?

i have often had occasion to observe. that a warm blundering man does more for the world than a frigid wise man.

you know sometime when you try to hold someone when eventually you put your arms around him and you feel his shoulder stiffen. suddenly, you feel that hollow sensation in your chest and you wish you could dig a hole and crawl into it right away, for another century. i don't know. you don't know. we don't know. who cares? no one understands. the future possibilities were never ours. we just crush each other into dust. pufff. gone. with the wind. and memory.

doubt thou the stars are fire. doubt that the sun doth move. doubt truth to be a liar. but never doubt my love.

att some point, i do not demand so much from that affection anymore. you know, that's love too. it ain't sex, and maybe that's too bad. but when two person care for each other, they don't have to be together, sleep together or live together. i don't know about you but yeah i do care about you. when the world has fallen out from under me. will i be found in you, still standing? when the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees. will i be found in you, still standing, too? "give love and forget you gave it" give me time, i am trying. but there are still times when i expect something in return. who cares if it's only something tiny. anyway, ne'ermind.

she sings "all my life i have been waiting. for you to bring a fairytale my way. been living in a fantasy without meaning. it's not okay. i don't feel safe. i need to pray". and your mind is swollen from months of thoughts without release. they've taken their toll on you. this very moment. of timid and fragile honesty. is precious and rare and fleeting. come out come out come out come out. wherever you are.

i am changing: less and less asleep.

Nsxon x