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Mickey Joel Martin

everybody. somebody. nobody

everybody needs somebody sometimes. everybody needs somebody on his mind. standing all alone. short of breath and tired eyes. shaking to the bone. overdressed and nowhere to go. well, because everybody needs somebody sometimes.

it's ego. the ego inside me. i refused somebody's hug i wanted. i refused somebody's kiss i wanted. i turned somebody's love down 'cause i thought it will always be there. i was confident. and a little uncertain. somebody is too good to be true. and somebody thought i am too good to be true, too. we are everything we never wanted. and all the things we didn't need.

i'm left to cry here. waiting outside there. grinning with a lost stare. when somebody is holding somebody else's hand. then somebody is crying over somebody else. you would think to yourself, that tears were supposed to be yours. and you look into each teardrop. trying to find your shadow inside. but it's too blur to be seen. if you are still somebody in somebody's eyes. if you are nobody nomore.

i say i love you. you say that is kind. you don't wanna get too close. you loved me crazy. i lost my mind. i wish i could say to you that. i know things aren't quite like what they used to be. we could try, yeah, could we try? and what would you say. if i tell you that i ain't giving up. however long it takes. but i know. what is gone is gone. teach me how to rewind to better my decision? better my move?

not that i don't want wanna share a life with you. not that i don't want you to be in my life. it's just that i'm the one whom i need to be true to. it's just you gotta know that it's gotta be right. before hearts are opened for somebody. we don't need somebody to complete us. we complete ourselves. nobody's got to belong to somebody else. well, we give all of our love. but do we give all of our souls too? ask ourselves: are our hearts in possession of somebody. is somebody our reflection. who am i is defined by who am i with?

i cried with no tears. i cried with no sound. i don't even know if that's a cry at all. still. i cried in silence. i lived through you. i've given everything away. and maybe i can learn to fall. for somebody who can give me all. the things i'm not afraid to lose. i left somebody with nothing. somebody took everything from me. now nobody's gonna be somebody's somebody. waiting for anybody to pick up these pieces.

i was never one to patiently pick up broken pieces and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. what is broken is broken. what is gone is gone, and i'd rather remember it as it was at its best, than to mend it and see the broken places as long as i lived. somebody once tole me "why bother fixing the broken pieces if it's gonna hurt your hands?"  

my tight grip is loosening. i am losing you. into your eyes. hopeless and taken. we stole our new lives. through blood and pain. in defense of our dream. broken empty dream. we are the victims of ourselves. darkness comes and all. announcing it's over. these lessons that we've learnt. have only just begun. goodnight. and be slept.

somebody's nobody
nobody's somebody
Nsxon x

compilation two

prolong from compilation one ......

mark the beginning of the end

december. december. remember december. as the end of the year. what we call the beginning is often the end. and to make an end is to make a beginning. the end is where we start from.

this year has been a year of great change. a significant twist. an inexorable bend i took in the fork of my life. a restless journey.
to that someone: the moment you made your decision on the path you may lead on, you get yourself an one-way ticket. you shall walk down proudly even there may be horrendous obstacles all the way. remember, you are not defined by which choice you made, but defined by how you overcome the obstruction. why fritter away your time and effort drowning in thoughts of remorse when you should be focusing on the next step you are to take to thwart future regrets?

needless to say, the main loop in my life this year is the opening door to college life. there are numerous eloquent 'revolution' - or rather rebellion - fired up in these past few months. the introduction to city night life -  cigarette, alcohol (more), nightclub - as well as the independence in life which thrills me most. albeit not fully independent in term of financial reliance, living on my own is simply awesome. but this is also when self-respect, self-worth and self-will begin to kick in some vital roles in life. strength of mind.

the most noteworthy newborn would be the friends i met in college! which totally opposed the presupposition i had - where people who study in Taylor's are all rich snobbish brats with toffee noses so high they will easily get stung by bees - which proved to be fictitious in my class and friends i meet around college (or at least to me). lol. they are all cool little monsters who'r pretty sincere and earnest, so far.

and you know there's friendship born at the moment when one person says to another "What! you, too? thought i was the only one." (you get what i mean) and it's a blessing when you can be stupid with them. ha-ha-ha. perhaps the most delightful friendships are those is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.

there's one who's as crazy as i am. there's one who looks like a bitch but not the attitude. there's one whose mind is more polluted than mine. there's one who's always blur and blob. there's one who always trip and fall. there's one who's always with bright smile. there's one who's a retarded head. there's one who's the mommy. there's one who's the monkey. there's one who's a lala hamster. there's one who's sweet as strawberry. there's one who's nuts. there's one who is father's father. there's one who's a macho flintstone. there's one who's very down-to-earth. there's one whose cock can sing. there's one with an umbrella naturally. and there are more who are simply caring, lovely, affectionate, amorous, and fun! oh. and thank god they are all open-minded =)

who would expect that one could go through this much in just six months? friendships - newborn yet not raw - which is cherished and cosy, which also went through dumps and put on test, which actually further toughen and strengthen our relationship (i hope)...
and quote Thoreau "the most i can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. i have no wealth to bestow on him. if he knows that i am happy in loving him. he will want no other reward. is not friendship divine in this? "

this year has got me through sunlights and downpours. laughter and tears. gaining and losing. love. emotional and distant. but i will always awake every morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. rain comes and go. sun comes and go. passerby comes and go. lover comes and go, too. but there will always be a few friends who are always there, staying, no matter the distance.

a brief candle; both ends burning.
an endless mile; a bus wheel turning.
a friend to share the lonesome times.
a handshake and a sip of beer.
so say it loud and let it ring.
we are all a part of everything.
the future. present. and the past.

and if someone asks what great lesson have you learnt throughout this year. i would confidently answer "depth of friendship does not depend or measure on length of acquaintance."


i love you. my friends. old and new
Nsxon x

compilation one

just finished my exam and officially ended my first semester of A-level. tongue in cheek. was grumbling being busier than a bee. now whining for disintegrating in front of the lethargic clock. what's my plan for this 5-week? no plan is the plan.

went through my compilation of photograph from places i have been to these recent years. to fill my thirst and hunger for the time being. and picked some random snapshots to share. for your pleasure.

and the pussy ate the pigeons =)

Nsxon x

Sinful Bed. and ten millions fireflies

fireflies
it's hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when i'm asleep. çause everything is never what it seems.

owl
leave my door open just a crack. çause i feel like such an insomniac. why do i tire of counting sheep. when i'm far too tired to fall asleep.

bed
i discovered a sinful bed. in a sinister room. somewhere too deep and too far. for the sun to find. i discovered a sinister bed. in a sinful room. somewhere you sleep from the moon. and wake up  to the moon, too. i discovered a sinful pleasure. for my sleep redemption. thank you and  fuck you =)


my name is Sinful Slumber
Nsxon x

Heartbreak Warfare

when you are once again waiting.  another day had just sneak away
awake in the middle of the dark.  realized the world just cut you out
when you do not understand.  the sudden leaving of loves
what you could hear from the muted cry.  is only you yourself

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is not the one whom you love
and a confound twinge strike your hear silently

grasping on something. which you are losing
and tend to realize more. when you stop anticipating
and you know. there's still a route in front needed to be led on

believing that one day. the pain will come to an end
and tend to realize more. when you stop banking on
and such enervated. such powerless. yet such reality

i'm in love. with my creators. with my lovers. with my friends
and my enemies
i love their loves. their rhythms. their minds. their differences
and dreams were made and used and wasted
there was no ransom to be paid

lightning strikes. inside my chest to keep me up tonight
dream of ways. to make you understand my pain
clouds of sulphur in the air. bombs are falling everywhere
it's a heartbreak warfare
once you want it to begin
and no one really wins
in a heartbreak warfare

when one day you open your eyes
found out you are abandoned
and the world threw you off the edge
and your feet ran off the ground

drop his name
push it in and twist the blade again
watch our faces
as we pretend to feel no pain

how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far i fall
God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me to
but i can't break it through at all

we could stand by the side
and watch this life pass us by
so unhappy.  but safe as could be

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is there with you with his shoulder standby
is crying with you over the loves you have lost
is understanding every silence you do not make
and a strange solace creeps into your aching heart silently

and when the misinterpretation and misguided ghosts
be the unspoken humor left behind the minds

i don't care if we do not sleep at all tonight
let's just fix this whole thing now
i swear to God we're gonna get it right
if you lay your weapon down
red wine and ambien

sooner or later
everything will be left behind
we will walk again.  together
and live the changing life. like 'just for today'
smile the pain. and cry the joke.

in one single moment. your whole life can turn 'round
you stand there for a minute staring straight into the ground
looking to the left slightly. then looking back down
world feels like it'd caved in - proper sorry frown

so then i move my hand up from down by my side
it's always shakin. my life's crashing down before my eyes
turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
touch the bottom of your chin and let out a sigh

you're talking shit again.  it's a heartbreak warfare
tell George Bush to "stop the war"
like he's no longer the president already
tell Obama to "heal the wound"
like he's no longer black already

clouds and sulphur in the air.
bombs are falling everywhere

good to know.  it's all a game.
disappointment has a name. it's a heartbreak warfare.



JM's Battle Studies
Nsxon x