mark the beginning of the end

december. december. remember december. as the end of the year. what we call the beginning is often the end. and to make an end is to make a beginning. the end is where we start from.

this year has been a year of great change. a significant twist. an inexorable bend i took in the fork of my life. a restless journey.
to that someone: the moment you made your decision on the path you may lead on, you get yourself an one-way ticket. you shall walk down proudly even there may be horrendous obstacles all the way. remember, you are not defined by which choice you made, but defined by how you overcome the obstruction. why fritter away your time and effort drowning in thoughts of remorse when you should be focusing on the next step you are to take to thwart future regrets?

needless to say, the main loop in my life this year is the opening door to college life. there are numerous eloquent 'revolution' - or rather rebellion - fired up in these past few months. the introduction to city night life -  cigarette, alcohol (more), nightclub - as well as the independence in life which thrills me most. albeit not fully independent in term of financial reliance, living on my own is simply awesome. but this is also when self-respect, self-worth and self-will begin to kick in some vital roles in life. strength of mind.

the most noteworthy newborn would be the friends i met in college! which totally opposed the presupposition i had - where people who study in Taylor's are all rich snobbish brats with toffee noses so high they will easily get stung by bees - which proved to be fictitious in my class and friends i meet around college (or at least to me). lol. they are all cool little monsters who'r pretty sincere and earnest, so far.

and you know there's friendship born at the moment when one person says to another "What! you, too? thought i was the only one." (you get what i mean) and it's a blessing when you can be stupid with them. ha-ha-ha. perhaps the most delightful friendships are those is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.

there's one who's as crazy as i am. there's one who looks like a bitch but not the attitude. there's one whose mind is more polluted than mine. there's one who's always blur and blob. there's one who always trip and fall. there's one who's always with bright smile. there's one who's a retarded head. there's one who's the mommy. there's one who's the monkey. there's one who's a lala hamster. there's one who's sweet as strawberry. there's one who's nuts. there's one who is father's father. there's one who's a macho flintstone. there's one who's very down-to-earth. there's one whose cock can sing. there's one with an umbrella naturally. and there are more who are simply caring, lovely, affectionate, amorous, and fun! oh. and thank god they are all open-minded =)

who would expect that one could go through this much in just six months? friendships - newborn yet not raw - which is cherished and cosy, which also went through dumps and put on test, which actually further toughen and strengthen our relationship (i hope)...
and quote Thoreau "the most i can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. i have no wealth to bestow on him. if he knows that i am happy in loving him. he will want no other reward. is not friendship divine in this? "

this year has got me through sunlights and downpours. laughter and tears. gaining and losing. love. emotional and distant. but i will always awake every morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. rain comes and go. sun comes and go. passerby comes and go. lover comes and go, too. but there will always be a few friends who are always there, staying, no matter the distance.

a brief candle; both ends burning.
an endless mile; a bus wheel turning.
a friend to share the lonesome times.
a handshake and a sip of beer.
so say it loud and let it ring.
we are all a part of everything.
the future. present. and the past.

and if someone asks what great lesson have you learnt throughout this year. i would confidently answer "depth of friendship does not depend or measure on length of acquaintance."


i love you. my friends. old and new
Nsxon x

Jealousy, look what have you done!

in the game of jealousy, who wins? it is not a barometer by which the depth of our care or affection can be read, it records the degree of my insecurity. yeah, my insecurity. i may be confident. but there may be diffidence. i don't expect you to comprehend. cause i don't even understand, myself. jealousy in friendship? jealousy in love? and yeah i know. jealousy is simply lousy.

this is when jealousy clashes with the supposedly open mind. crashed. bam. leaving me lying on the floor. in my blood. shattered all the pieces of parts. never thought i'd fall so hard. will you try putting me back together? ne'ermind. it's too torn-apart. jealousy is not lethal nor terminal. a disease not so fatal. but fatigue. every time i will heal myself. get back up. and move on...   and every time i will be knocked down on the floor. in my blood. for the second time around. and over and over again. i don't know when am i gonna get totally worn-out and never get back up again.

they say Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. a little can enhance the savor. but too much can spoil the pleasure. and under certain circumstances. can be life-threatening. it is the dragon in paradise. the hell of heaven. and the most bitter of all emotions. simply cause it is associated with the sweetest. doesn't sound so bad after all eh?

and sometimes i feel lonely. even with your poised presence there. cause you never show me your heart. while you know my unsecured fortification. my masquerades. we are meant to collide. like stoneheart and hand grenade. you and i are not the same. or maybe you and i are too the same. there we are, standing outside. neither of neither letting neither entering neither hearts.

why could you not be like them who are naked in front of me?

wait... maybe it's just my reverie. my hallucination. please wake me up. there's no chemistry after all.

why do we say things we can't take back? why do we miss what we never had? after what the heart and mind have gone through. from Sahara to Antarctica. from summer to winter. and winter turned to rain. and the rain turned into tears upon the heart... but still. we are where we were. now the winds are calling up. we can't stop the rain. wish that you take it all back. but it's too late. it's too late. it's too late.

you've got hold on me. what've you made me become?
Nsxon x

and i love you, too

from last night's alcohol, till tonight's lemon tea. thoughts enthused. sentiment stirred. flushed up in the head by the liquid, with some yak with a few friend   (whom i call friend?) and the tobacco tang on the lips.

love at first sight  - definition: 'romantic attraction for a stranger on the first sight of them' -  some read it as a trope in fiction. some query such fairytale-like. i too, doubt in fairytale. but i believe in this phenomenon. simply cause i experienced it before. twice. which are both exhilarating and enlivening. which one did not set in train (start on) anyway. the conception of "they glow in your eyes" may seem rather far-fetched and implausible. but i will say "hell yeah" they do. of course they don't literally glow like a bulb, mind you.

leave out all the rest.

i am a lazy bum. a very very very lazy bum. i do not simply get involve in a relationship. too lazy to maintain one. unless i am really into you - someone whom i could envisage a far future - then i will. and when i do, i will be very devoted and committed in it (besides, providing that i am so very into you). but this always ended up me being a wounded raccoon - as the more you care the more you get hurt - with those left-broken-empty-in-despair-wanna-breath-can't-find-air kinda heartache. that's why now i don't care so much anymore. just give it a shot without being bothered by the consequence or how much does our feeling weigh and see how it lead us. just follow the flow.

when you expect nothing you get nothing. and sometimes you may even get surprises. but when you expect everything, what you get is only one thing. disappointment.

when you are hurt and pathetically licking your own wounds in despair. have you ever wondered someone(s) somewhere is also licking his wound caused by you, unintentionally? to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. well, to that person, i would say "come out come out come out come out!" whoever you are. shut your eyes tightly. clench your fist 'til they almost bleed. cautiously, lightly. gently expose what is underneath.

whatever.

i do not judge them. i evaluate. some may think that as a form of judgement. but who cares? i am good with everyone. i love all of them for a certain reason and i dislike them for a certain reason too. now it all depends on the counterbalance, weighing the weighty. and they say we should enlarge people's good quality and shadow the bad. so they say... well, they also say i am too cool. unapproachable. i do not reveal myself to everyone, easily. i may know a lot of things. i may know nothing. about myself or each of them. which i will only disclose if i am close to you. and for that to happen, i will have to fall in love with my friend first. of course not the romance kinda love but how much could we relate on our level. roar. sounds so snobbish. "some call it arrogant, i call it confident". but there are so many faces out there. how do you know which to trust and which to divulge?

i have often had occasion to observe. that a warm blundering man does more for the world than a frigid wise man.

you know sometime when you try to hold someone when eventually you put your arms around him and you feel his shoulder stiffen. suddenly, you feel that hollow sensation in your chest and you wish you could dig a hole and crawl into it right away, for another century. i don't know. you don't know. we don't know. who cares? no one understands. the future possibilities were never ours. we just crush each other into dust. pufff. gone. with the wind. and memory.

doubt thou the stars are fire. doubt that the sun doth move. doubt truth to be a liar. but never doubt my love.

att some point, i do not demand so much from that affection anymore. you know, that's love too. it ain't sex, and maybe that's too bad. but when two person care for each other, they don't have to be together, sleep together or live together. i don't know about you but yeah i do care about you. when the world has fallen out from under me. will i be found in you, still standing? when the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees. will i be found in you, still standing, too? "give love and forget you gave it" give me time, i am trying. but there are still times when i expect something in return. who cares if it's only something tiny. anyway, ne'ermind.

she sings "all my life i have been waiting. for you to bring a fairytale my way. been living in a fantasy without meaning. it's not okay. i don't feel safe. i need to pray". and your mind is swollen from months of thoughts without release. they've taken their toll on you. this very moment. of timid and fragile honesty. is precious and rare and fleeting. come out come out come out come out. wherever you are.

i am changing: less and less asleep.

Nsxon x

and i love you

november 7, 2009


i am twenty-four, i am eighteen, i am two-and-a-half, i am thirty. lives go back and forth, front and back, project yourself, take yourself back - back to a place you've never gone before cause every time you visit you construct anew.


    desire, driving force, life force, flow into me, into you, through us, beyond us, play me out and break me simple.


    i am in love with all my friends, i tell people. and it's true, i am. (don't tell me i can't be, don't tell me that it's impossible.) i love my people, deeply, fully -- i love their loves, their rhythms, all different , i want all of soul tangled up in mine i want your scent i want your voice your comforting presence i want your lifeblood increasing the intensity of mine i want your sex your body your soul i want you. all of you.


    fingers tentatively touching my hair what does that feel like? it feels like a kiss. it tells me "i remember this, i remember you" what we used to be what we are what we could be if we were ever living on the same continent and both single. or open.


    hug me twice you creep into my words into my life. sit next to me silent hearing my grief you're the one who got my anger my pain, that night. the one who will tell me words i need to hear: "how do I say this... some people are just not worth it."


    friendships, relationships, people you will fight for... and those you will learn not to fight for. when you learn compassion you learn coldness too. and when you learn passion you learn... ?


    i am twenty-four and a little bit more and i am raging, tonight. it is cold, tonight, i refuse to sleep alone, tonight. and so i stay awake.


    i wish you were in my bed, tonight - one of you, it doesn't have to be the one with whom i'm most entangled with.


    confuzzledness. make things more complex than they are/could be... people are so conventional sometimes. "are you speaking for a cat, or are you speaking for yourself?"


    i didn't abandon you.


    "she's moved in, and yeah, your stuff's still here, i've put just a few things away."  my books, my guitar, my life with you, entangled now in somebody else's presence. there is nothing i can do, nothing i will say. except for a few words that go right through you and that is one of the times i let myself speak angry at you. anger measured to hurt but not too much. i would never try to hurt you that much. that's what we all say.


    whatever.


    i'm plenty distracted, over here. six hours behind and a twenty-four flight (including layovers) away... give or take a couple hours. six hours behind and there are people, people, people, women, endless options and i'm jumping at none of them. barriers, self-consciousness, everyone's dealing with their own shit.


    i don't have time for you. i have no energy to spare.


    i have to take care of myself. and you should, too.


    six hours behind, six hours ahead, plenty distracted by the present surroundings and then i look through old messages and i want to laugh and cry and sleep like a baby just like a baby.


    i can't sleep these days, i can't sleep without you here. trying to keep myself company without going crazy and mostly it works but sometimes i sit on the edge of my bed and fidget and do nothing think of going out for a walk but not wanting to think of getting some food but not wanting to just wanting to sleep, cry, sleep, love, but not being able to.


    i want all of you why can't i hold you for a few nights and kiss you and leave?  why can't i do that without drama without fucked up emotions without what ifs?


    i want to sleep between your sheets inhale you scent and fly the next week to another continent sleep inhale another person deep deep deep.


    "It could be you... for the rest of my life."  oh how we fool ourselves sometimes oh how we live sabotaged lives. celebrate love, longing, art, beauty, pain.  celebrate pain, shared suffering.


    shared suffering on which our politics are formed STOP THE FUCKING DISCRIMINATION ALREADY. it will never stop. who will we pick on next after we're done with the fabulous transpeople? no, we don't step into the wrong bathrooms it is THE BATHROOMS that are WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrong. the signs should say "human being? animal? machine? please enter and relieve yourself." and then, "BIGOTS, FACISTS, SEXISTS, RACISTS, CAPITALISTS, HETEROSEXISTS please FUCK OFF and go bury your head in a hole."


    everything is political.  you might disagree. but you'll see. breathe in, breathe out.  with every breath you inhale - everybody. everyone that's ever lived. we exist inside, through, within each others, give someone a hug today. for free.


    we need witnesses to our lives, we live our lives for the people to whom we make most sense, we make ourselves known to someone, somewhere - we need to be gotten.


        by a lover, lovers. by the woman who holds you tight all night by the boy-man who speaks his emotions to you by the girl who reminds you of every friend you ever had by the queer child who looks into your eyes, curious.

   by the woman you let fuck you deep drive you past pleasure into gasps sharp intakes of breath moments of incredulous happiness the woman who make you smile like you've never smiled before. you say "i love you" ten times a day, maybe more, because that's what you feel like you're absolutely in love like you've never been before and when you fight the pain has never been as exquisite, as beautiful, as real.

    hold me as i'm falling i need you, some of you, all of you, now. later. sometime. tonight i am here, alone. and tomorrow, and the night after.

    but tomorrow i will see you at lunch and the lifeblood will start flowing again i will bear this for a while i look into your brown eyes highlighted by the sun shining through the window in that cafe we eat in every day and i see you, i see me, i see us in our limited connection, we are entangled, we are one, we are distinct, we are passion and ice and distance and shared warmth, and i love you.

hwa yixing

Nsxon x

Open Relationship

this is a setting you facebook reader would definitely be familiar with, where you could set under your relationship status.

out of the blue - which is not so blue anyway - it struck my mind as what the heck is actually an 'open relationship' which i was like LIC GAS in the past. Anyway, i decided to google it somehow and found some arguments on it, or rather 'definitions' from various people with different angles of perspective/

From the modern point of view, it is seen as an open relationship where one person does not own the other.
The couple are not exclusively seeing each other and can date, flirt and hook up with other people should they wish to do so. in a true open relationship, the couple will be fully honest with each other (unlike most regular relationships).

They will not get pissed at each other for stupid things such as not ringing the day before, wearing a slutty top, passing out cold in a club, kissing that gay in the lift. In fact, they will just love each other for who they are and support each other through times of need.

Although other people will say they are sluts and it will never work, they only say this because they are jealous.
In the end the couple will get bored of seeing other people because they realize they are the best two out there. then they get married and have beautiful children. and retire together in Goa. which if they actually get that faaaaar anyway.

Some sees it as a relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can't exactly promise that they won't see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships.

On the other hand, is it basically just a facebook setting that allows you to give in to your sluttastic urges while keeping a "safety net" around in the event that you're unable to hook up with anything better?

or just a great way to set yourself up for some hell-ish drama, instead of being honest with your significant other?


Well, i would see it as a stepping stone for both sides to kick start a relationship, where it acts as a phase for both parties to understand each other more and appraise how far the relationship could lead to - especially when you are up in the air of your stand - so that both parties would not end up getting hurt + crushed so much if it goes cheesy; and if it goes well, it would be more steady and sturdy. No?

so what do you think about an open relationship?


i don't trust myself
Nsxon x

Elegy

31st October 2009
0400 - Rainy

i don't know what to feel. numb. could somebody give me one emotion?

you said just follow my heart to feel what i want to feel.
but when your heart is in so many pieces. which way are you to follow?




1330 - sunny

just woke up. still in bed.
could somebody please shut down the sun?

sayounara. waratte yo. nakuna yo. baka da na.


Nsxon x

28th pour

Dear readers and stalker,

my not-so-wholeheartedly apology for forsaking this blog due to my not-so-hectic life which i think is pretty frantic (since it's mostly occupied by non-academic affair which is in contradiction of my identity as a student) which i think chaotic is a relatively better word to inflate.

to ascertain my existence and to update my life in a not-so-comprehensive approach, what i can describe my current phase is like 'living contentedly and gleefully in a reserved and heart-rending fashion' -  if you get what i mean, which i don't give a shit anyway.

the red red muscular thing under my chest which beat and bleed at the same time? it's so numb right now. like anaesthetized. where is the hemoglobin you used to transmit and diffuse into me?

28th October 2009. 1600

Rainy

shower off the smut

not from the filthy

but the purest of all

of all the time spelled by

darkest days and brightest nights

are what we have left

derisorily with satisfaction

still falls the rain

dark as the world of man

black as our loss

blind as the nineteen hundred

and forty nails upon the Cross

note my people, this is not an emotional post.

the best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain

and sleep.

Nsxon x

Better off as Friend

It's strenuous to catch up with things that gyrate around you, incessantly. it kills. and you know what? The heart is not so raw when it sees from somewhere not so close and exhaustive. sorry. it's better off a void stuck between. it's better off we carry on as friend.

it doesn't mean i don't care for you anymore. but less agonizing. more flattering. cherish with a new born feather wings and hum "even if the sun refused to shine, even if romance ran out of rhyme. you would still have my heart until the end of time..."

Love is giving somebody the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. it's not that i do not trust you. but how could i trust you when i couldn't even trust myself? you never let me go deeper and i never rip down my mask. it just doesn't work this way...

still... could you be trusted?

Nsxon x

These are their stories

and mine.

Dedicated to the friends who are under the weather and you, you, you, you, you who could hit it off.

unearth your own story...

1.

Life is a journey,
not a destination,
there are no mistakes,
just chances we have taken
Lay down your regrets 'cause all we have is now.

2.

Love does not fail for you when you are rejected or betrayed or apparently not loved. 

Love fails for you when you reject, betray, and do not love.

3.

Sometimes in my tears i drown

but i never let it get me down

So when negativity surrounds

i know someday it'll turn around

you  need to swim on shore yourself

4.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. 

That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . 

It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. 

And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

5.

Hey, what others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves. Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality. be it your family, your peers or your classmate who are trying to tear down your self-esteem. Don't let them be! Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner's manual your creator gave you and destroying your design.

6.

Life is a challenge not a competition
you can still smell the roses and be on a mission
Just take a moment to get in touch with your heart
Sometimes you feel like you have got something to prove
remind yourself that theres only one you
Just take a moment to give thanks of who you are.

7.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.

8.

you thought you have forgotten

you thought you have let it go

yet, there's something about her emerges out of nowhere

be it a photograph or a facebook status

and the suppressed sentiment hidden inside your deep heart's core

swells up through your every veins and hit you in the brain

Dang! she's always hidden there somewhere...

9.

Stand tall on your ground. there's always somebody who tries to tear you down. make you feel bad about yourself. make you feel trivial. make you feel you are never good enough. The truth is, that somebody is nobody. Tell him to fuck off 'cause you live your own life. and no one deserves no one. you don't ask if they deserve you, but whether you deserve them!

10.

you can make it through the rain

you can stand up once again, on your own

and you know you are strong enough to mend

and everytime you feel afraid, you hold tighter to your faith

and you live one more day

and you make it through the RAIN

11.

"Doubt fucks everything. Take a foundation, no matter how strong, sprinkle generously with doubt, and watch it crumble. Me? I'm unfuckwithable. Not this knee, not bad weather, and certainly not the many men that wish bad intentions on me can stop me."

12.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, 

but what is the most painful is to love someone 

and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

stories strike twelve and Adios

Nsxon x

this is the time...

...i don't want to fall in love

not into this wrong bleak pit

but i tripped...

the sensation of savouring the affection makes you grin without airs; at one fell swoop, the idea of unfeasibility shoot you back to the hard ground, nastily.

Out of the despair, there's always a spark of hope flickers in whenever i am about to renounce. you are good at hanging me in the air, unattached - ten feet off the ground. ten feet from your heart - neither hauling me up nor cutting me down. when you need me, i'll be vaguely hauled up; when you don't, i'll almost touch the ground, but still hanging.

Leave me wondering what is this all about and what to do. they say follow your heart. but when your heart is in so many pieces. Which way are you to follow?

Love can sometimes be magic.

but magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

they say falling in love is like falling into a well, you will never know the pain until you reached the end. so i guess the well i fell in is encircled with noxious thorns. Startlingly, i tried to uphold your role as a friend instead of someone i adore, and our relationship turns out so well and relaxing.

still... your role in my hub struggles to swell aggressively. Therefore, from this time, i'll just try hard to retain my affection as well as your sway.

later gator.

Nsxon x