Elegy

31st October 2009
0400 - Rainy

i don't know what to feel. numb. could somebody give me one emotion?

you said just follow my heart to feel what i want to feel.
but when your heart is in so many pieces. which way are you to follow?




1330 - sunny

just woke up. still in bed.
could somebody please shut down the sun?

sayounara. waratte yo. nakuna yo. baka da na.


Nsxon x

28th pour

Dear readers and stalker,

my not-so-wholeheartedly apology for forsaking this blog due to my not-so-hectic life which i think is pretty frantic (since it's mostly occupied by non-academic affair which is in contradiction of my identity as a student) which i think chaotic is a relatively better word to inflate.

to ascertain my existence and to update my life in a not-so-comprehensive approach, what i can describe my current phase is like 'living contentedly and gleefully in a reserved and heart-rending fashion' -  if you get what i mean, which i don't give a shit anyway.

the red red muscular thing under my chest which beat and bleed at the same time? it's so numb right now. like anaesthetized. where is the hemoglobin you used to transmit and diffuse into me?

28th October 2009. 1600

Rainy

shower off the smut

not from the filthy

but the purest of all

of all the time spelled by

darkest days and brightest nights

are what we have left

derisorily with satisfaction

still falls the rain

dark as the world of man

black as our loss

blind as the nineteen hundred

and forty nails upon the Cross

note my people, this is not an emotional post.

the best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain

and sleep.

Nsxon x

The emancipated Prisoner

stripping off. lock, stock and barrel

he is still. not naked

miserably mystified

begging a question he has no answer

can't explain things he's indefinite

hope?

shoulder the brutal load

how to go on?

with something. he can't see

how to compete?

with someone. so explicit

hope. lets hope

shadows. on the wall

whispers. down your skull

empty.   yet echoing

dubious on the masquerade

mounding ever since...

hope. less hope

turned the page and closed the door

that she's gone and you've moved on

smile the pathetic

laugh the crime

so loud.    yet so barren

hopeless hope

probing light. prying voice

hidden snake. struggling out

invisble chains keep him in pain

visible candor keep him in vain

it's a fiery blue

the clad nudity

Nsxon x

Knock You Down

Sometimes when love comes around

and it knocks you down

Just get back up

when it knocks you down. knocks you down

dessert or disaster?
Nsxon x

Rejected Bar Celona

Hit the club in Barcelona after the party

got a seat at the V.I.P

Trying to get enough drink in the system

ask them where they at, don't know

don't care, won't care

Hit the dance floor, got the ice scorching

Music thrashing, Light blazing

loosen up by Benvenuti nel mondo Bacardi

sending the nerve down the spine

Every move seemed so familiar yet exotic

dance, dance all the hassle away

Whose body, Whose lips

don't care, don't care

Till the throbbing head knocked you down

got back up, it's 4 a.m.
and you are still not entirely mine

the darkness shall be the light

and the stillness, be the dancing

Nsxon x

Chocolate Chips in the Cookie of Life

what does friendship insinuate to you? well, it plays a significant role to me, in my own singular way.

The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

yeah. i used to get pleasure from this kinda relationship too, until its virtue was turned into vulnerability and the trust of my friendship got grassed on. Eversince, masquerade starts to pile on when the pure value of innocence is stripped off, bit by bit, with the mendacious reality brought to light, as time sneaks pass.

i started to shield myself and not to trust anyone easily. i evaluate and appraise beforehand. besides, i have a bad tendency not to blend in initially. if you want to know me, you'll have to make the first move. and i need warming up. well, unless you are really that special that i would regret not knowing you :)

It is amazing how you can surround yourself with so many people you can call friends, and yet actually only have one or two real ones. i would prefer a very small group of friends whom i can call them one of my best peeps. somebody to be really close and cool. and someone whom i can call up at 4am.

What do you seek in a friend?

someone who brings out the best in you?

someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else?

someone who knows all about you, and still likes you?

someone who have seen you change; they've let you change?

someone who who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success?

someone who knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails?

someone who knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities?

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

For me, the important thing is someone who sits next to you without talking, and still makes you feel comfortable. i believe both true friendship and love come when the silence between two people is comfortable.

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

All in all, I want friends who are kind of like me, who go with the flow and like to have fun. Better, friends who are knowledgeable, someone whom i could learn things from, not only an one-way rapport. someone who don't mind me sharing what i know with an open heart. someone who don't mind listening me grudging. someone who knows well when to say something and when to shut up. And it's grateful to know that i do have such friend encircling me now :)

what is more? the most essential thing in friendship is to trust and be trustworthy. Someone whom I may be sincere and before him, I may think aloud. well, i would know that when one day i no longer protect myself by a fence, but rather by my friends.


I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay.
Nsxon x

Her Morning Elegance

by Oren Lavie

a compilation of 3225 still photos

Nsxon x

Better off as Friend

It's strenuous to catch up with things that gyrate around you, incessantly. it kills. and you know what? The heart is not so raw when it sees from somewhere not so close and exhaustive. sorry. it's better off a void stuck between. it's better off we carry on as friend.

it doesn't mean i don't care for you anymore. but less agonizing. more flattering. cherish with a new born feather wings and hum "even if the sun refused to shine, even if romance ran out of rhyme. you would still have my heart until the end of time..."

Love is giving somebody the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. it's not that i do not trust you. but how could i trust you when i couldn't even trust myself? you never let me go deeper and i never rip down my mask. it just doesn't work this way...

still... could you be trusted?

Nsxon x