Heartbreak Warfare

when you are once again waiting.  another day had just sneak away
awake in the middle of the dark.  realized the world just cut you out
when you do not understand.  the sudden leaving of loves
what you could hear from the muted cry.  is only you yourself

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is not the one whom you love
and a confound twinge strike your hear silently

grasping on something. which you are losing
and tend to realize more. when you stop anticipating
and you know. there's still a route in front needed to be led on

believing that one day. the pain will come to an end
and tend to realize more. when you stop banking on
and such enervated. such powerless. yet such reality

i'm in love. with my creators. with my lovers. with my friends
and my enemies
i love their loves. their rhythms. their minds. their differences
and dreams were made and used and wasted
there was no ransom to be paid

lightning strikes. inside my chest to keep me up tonight
dream of ways. to make you understand my pain
clouds of sulphur in the air. bombs are falling everywhere
it's a heartbreak warfare
once you want it to begin
and no one really wins
in a heartbreak warfare

when one day you open your eyes
found out you are abandoned
and the world threw you off the edge
and your feet ran off the ground

drop his name
push it in and twist the blade again
watch our faces
as we pretend to feel no pain

how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far i fall
God only knows how much i'd love you if you let me to
but i can't break it through at all

we could stand by the side
and watch this life pass us by
so unhappy.  but safe as could be

yet
when someday. someone. whom you love right beside you
is there with you with his shoulder standby
is crying with you over the loves you have lost
is understanding every silence you do not make
and a strange solace creeps into your aching heart silently

and when the misinterpretation and misguided ghosts
be the unspoken humor left behind the minds

i don't care if we do not sleep at all tonight
let's just fix this whole thing now
i swear to God we're gonna get it right
if you lay your weapon down
red wine and ambien

sooner or later
everything will be left behind
we will walk again.  together
and live the changing life. like 'just for today'
smile the pain. and cry the joke.

in one single moment. your whole life can turn 'round
you stand there for a minute staring straight into the ground
looking to the left slightly. then looking back down
world feels like it'd caved in - proper sorry frown

so then i move my hand up from down by my side
it's always shakin. my life's crashing down before my eyes
turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
touch the bottom of your chin and let out a sigh

you're talking shit again.  it's a heartbreak warfare
tell George Bush to "stop the war"
like he's no longer the president already
tell Obama to "heal the wound"
like he's no longer black already

clouds and sulphur in the air.
bombs are falling everywhere

good to know.  it's all a game.
disappointment has a name. it's a heartbreak warfare.



JM's Battle Studies
Nsxon x

Jealousy, look what have you done!

in the game of jealousy, who wins? it is not a barometer by which the depth of our care or affection can be read, it records the degree of my insecurity. yeah, my insecurity. i may be confident. but there may be diffidence. i don't expect you to comprehend. cause i don't even understand, myself. jealousy in friendship? jealousy in love? and yeah i know. jealousy is simply lousy.

this is when jealousy clashes with the supposedly open mind. crashed. bam. leaving me lying on the floor. in my blood. shattered all the pieces of parts. never thought i'd fall so hard. will you try putting me back together? ne'ermind. it's too torn-apart. jealousy is not lethal nor terminal. a disease not so fatal. but fatigue. every time i will heal myself. get back up. and move on...   and every time i will be knocked down on the floor. in my blood. for the second time around. and over and over again. i don't know when am i gonna get totally worn-out and never get back up again.

they say Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. a little can enhance the savor. but too much can spoil the pleasure. and under certain circumstances. can be life-threatening. it is the dragon in paradise. the hell of heaven. and the most bitter of all emotions. simply cause it is associated with the sweetest. doesn't sound so bad after all eh?

and sometimes i feel lonely. even with your poised presence there. cause you never show me your heart. while you know my unsecured fortification. my masquerades. we are meant to collide. like stoneheart and hand grenade. you and i are not the same. or maybe you and i are too the same. there we are, standing outside. neither of neither letting neither entering neither hearts.

why could you not be like them who are naked in front of me?

wait... maybe it's just my reverie. my hallucination. please wake me up. there's no chemistry after all.

why do we say things we can't take back? why do we miss what we never had? after what the heart and mind have gone through. from Sahara to Antarctica. from summer to winter. and winter turned to rain. and the rain turned into tears upon the heart... but still. we are where we were. now the winds are calling up. we can't stop the rain. wish that you take it all back. but it's too late. it's too late. it's too late.

you've got hold on me. what've you made me become?
Nsxon x

and i love you, too

from last night's alcohol, till tonight's lemon tea. thoughts enthused. sentiment stirred. flushed up in the head by the liquid, with some yak with a few friend   (whom i call friend?) and the tobacco tang on the lips.

love at first sight  - definition: 'romantic attraction for a stranger on the first sight of them' -  some read it as a trope in fiction. some query such fairytale-like. i too, doubt in fairytale. but i believe in this phenomenon. simply cause i experienced it before. twice. which are both exhilarating and enlivening. which one did not set in train (start on) anyway. the conception of "they glow in your eyes" may seem rather far-fetched and implausible. but i will say "hell yeah" they do. of course they don't literally glow like a bulb, mind you.

leave out all the rest.

i am a lazy bum. a very very very lazy bum. i do not simply get involve in a relationship. too lazy to maintain one. unless i am really into you - someone whom i could envisage a far future - then i will. and when i do, i will be very devoted and committed in it (besides, providing that i am so very into you). but this always ended up me being a wounded raccoon - as the more you care the more you get hurt - with those left-broken-empty-in-despair-wanna-breath-can't-find-air kinda heartache. that's why now i don't care so much anymore. just give it a shot without being bothered by the consequence or how much does our feeling weigh and see how it lead us. just follow the flow.

when you expect nothing you get nothing. and sometimes you may even get surprises. but when you expect everything, what you get is only one thing. disappointment.

when you are hurt and pathetically licking your own wounds in despair. have you ever wondered someone(s) somewhere is also licking his wound caused by you, unintentionally? to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. well, to that person, i would say "come out come out come out come out!" whoever you are. shut your eyes tightly. clench your fist 'til they almost bleed. cautiously, lightly. gently expose what is underneath.

whatever.

i do not judge them. i evaluate. some may think that as a form of judgement. but who cares? i am good with everyone. i love all of them for a certain reason and i dislike them for a certain reason too. now it all depends on the counterbalance, weighing the weighty. and they say we should enlarge people's good quality and shadow the bad. so they say... well, they also say i am too cool. unapproachable. i do not reveal myself to everyone, easily. i may know a lot of things. i may know nothing. about myself or each of them. which i will only disclose if i am close to you. and for that to happen, i will have to fall in love with my friend first. of course not the romance kinda love but how much could we relate on our level. roar. sounds so snobbish. "some call it arrogant, i call it confident". but there are so many faces out there. how do you know which to trust and which to divulge?

i have often had occasion to observe. that a warm blundering man does more for the world than a frigid wise man.

you know sometime when you try to hold someone when eventually you put your arms around him and you feel his shoulder stiffen. suddenly, you feel that hollow sensation in your chest and you wish you could dig a hole and crawl into it right away, for another century. i don't know. you don't know. we don't know. who cares? no one understands. the future possibilities were never ours. we just crush each other into dust. pufff. gone. with the wind. and memory.

doubt thou the stars are fire. doubt that the sun doth move. doubt truth to be a liar. but never doubt my love.

att some point, i do not demand so much from that affection anymore. you know, that's love too. it ain't sex, and maybe that's too bad. but when two person care for each other, they don't have to be together, sleep together or live together. i don't know about you but yeah i do care about you. when the world has fallen out from under me. will i be found in you, still standing? when the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees. will i be found in you, still standing, too? "give love and forget you gave it" give me time, i am trying. but there are still times when i expect something in return. who cares if it's only something tiny. anyway, ne'ermind.

she sings "all my life i have been waiting. for you to bring a fairytale my way. been living in a fantasy without meaning. it's not okay. i don't feel safe. i need to pray". and your mind is swollen from months of thoughts without release. they've taken their toll on you. this very moment. of timid and fragile honesty. is precious and rare and fleeting. come out come out come out come out. wherever you are.

i am changing: less and less asleep.

Nsxon x

and i love you

november 7, 2009


i am twenty-four, i am eighteen, i am two-and-a-half, i am thirty. lives go back and forth, front and back, project yourself, take yourself back - back to a place you've never gone before cause every time you visit you construct anew.


    desire, driving force, life force, flow into me, into you, through us, beyond us, play me out and break me simple.


    i am in love with all my friends, i tell people. and it's true, i am. (don't tell me i can't be, don't tell me that it's impossible.) i love my people, deeply, fully -- i love their loves, their rhythms, all different , i want all of soul tangled up in mine i want your scent i want your voice your comforting presence i want your lifeblood increasing the intensity of mine i want your sex your body your soul i want you. all of you.


    fingers tentatively touching my hair what does that feel like? it feels like a kiss. it tells me "i remember this, i remember you" what we used to be what we are what we could be if we were ever living on the same continent and both single. or open.


    hug me twice you creep into my words into my life. sit next to me silent hearing my grief you're the one who got my anger my pain, that night. the one who will tell me words i need to hear: "how do I say this... some people are just not worth it."


    friendships, relationships, people you will fight for... and those you will learn not to fight for. when you learn compassion you learn coldness too. and when you learn passion you learn... ?


    i am twenty-four and a little bit more and i am raging, tonight. it is cold, tonight, i refuse to sleep alone, tonight. and so i stay awake.


    i wish you were in my bed, tonight - one of you, it doesn't have to be the one with whom i'm most entangled with.


    confuzzledness. make things more complex than they are/could be... people are so conventional sometimes. "are you speaking for a cat, or are you speaking for yourself?"


    i didn't abandon you.


    "she's moved in, and yeah, your stuff's still here, i've put just a few things away."  my books, my guitar, my life with you, entangled now in somebody else's presence. there is nothing i can do, nothing i will say. except for a few words that go right through you and that is one of the times i let myself speak angry at you. anger measured to hurt but not too much. i would never try to hurt you that much. that's what we all say.


    whatever.


    i'm plenty distracted, over here. six hours behind and a twenty-four flight (including layovers) away... give or take a couple hours. six hours behind and there are people, people, people, women, endless options and i'm jumping at none of them. barriers, self-consciousness, everyone's dealing with their own shit.


    i don't have time for you. i have no energy to spare.


    i have to take care of myself. and you should, too.


    six hours behind, six hours ahead, plenty distracted by the present surroundings and then i look through old messages and i want to laugh and cry and sleep like a baby just like a baby.


    i can't sleep these days, i can't sleep without you here. trying to keep myself company without going crazy and mostly it works but sometimes i sit on the edge of my bed and fidget and do nothing think of going out for a walk but not wanting to think of getting some food but not wanting to just wanting to sleep, cry, sleep, love, but not being able to.


    i want all of you why can't i hold you for a few nights and kiss you and leave?  why can't i do that without drama without fucked up emotions without what ifs?


    i want to sleep between your sheets inhale you scent and fly the next week to another continent sleep inhale another person deep deep deep.


    "It could be you... for the rest of my life."  oh how we fool ourselves sometimes oh how we live sabotaged lives. celebrate love, longing, art, beauty, pain.  celebrate pain, shared suffering.


    shared suffering on which our politics are formed STOP THE FUCKING DISCRIMINATION ALREADY. it will never stop. who will we pick on next after we're done with the fabulous transpeople? no, we don't step into the wrong bathrooms it is THE BATHROOMS that are WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrong. the signs should say "human being? animal? machine? please enter and relieve yourself." and then, "BIGOTS, FACISTS, SEXISTS, RACISTS, CAPITALISTS, HETEROSEXISTS please FUCK OFF and go bury your head in a hole."


    everything is political.  you might disagree. but you'll see. breathe in, breathe out.  with every breath you inhale - everybody. everyone that's ever lived. we exist inside, through, within each others, give someone a hug today. for free.


    we need witnesses to our lives, we live our lives for the people to whom we make most sense, we make ourselves known to someone, somewhere - we need to be gotten.


        by a lover, lovers. by the woman who holds you tight all night by the boy-man who speaks his emotions to you by the girl who reminds you of every friend you ever had by the queer child who looks into your eyes, curious.

   by the woman you let fuck you deep drive you past pleasure into gasps sharp intakes of breath moments of incredulous happiness the woman who make you smile like you've never smiled before. you say "i love you" ten times a day, maybe more, because that's what you feel like you're absolutely in love like you've never been before and when you fight the pain has never been as exquisite, as beautiful, as real.

    hold me as i'm falling i need you, some of you, all of you, now. later. sometime. tonight i am here, alone. and tomorrow, and the night after.

    but tomorrow i will see you at lunch and the lifeblood will start flowing again i will bear this for a while i look into your brown eyes highlighted by the sun shining through the window in that cafe we eat in every day and i see you, i see me, i see us in our limited connection, we are entangled, we are one, we are distinct, we are passion and ice and distance and shared warmth, and i love you.

hwa yixing

Nsxon x

Open Relationship

this is a setting you facebook reader would definitely be familiar with, where you could set under your relationship status.

out of the blue - which is not so blue anyway - it struck my mind as what the heck is actually an 'open relationship' which i was like LIC GAS in the past. Anyway, i decided to google it somehow and found some arguments on it, or rather 'definitions' from various people with different angles of perspective/

From the modern point of view, it is seen as an open relationship where one person does not own the other.
The couple are not exclusively seeing each other and can date, flirt and hook up with other people should they wish to do so. in a true open relationship, the couple will be fully honest with each other (unlike most regular relationships).

They will not get pissed at each other for stupid things such as not ringing the day before, wearing a slutty top, passing out cold in a club, kissing that gay in the lift. In fact, they will just love each other for who they are and support each other through times of need.

Although other people will say they are sluts and it will never work, they only say this because they are jealous.
In the end the couple will get bored of seeing other people because they realize they are the best two out there. then they get married and have beautiful children. and retire together in Goa. which if they actually get that faaaaar anyway.

Some sees it as a relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can't exactly promise that they won't see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships.

On the other hand, is it basically just a facebook setting that allows you to give in to your sluttastic urges while keeping a "safety net" around in the event that you're unable to hook up with anything better?

or just a great way to set yourself up for some hell-ish drama, instead of being honest with your significant other?


Well, i would see it as a stepping stone for both sides to kick start a relationship, where it acts as a phase for both parties to understand each other more and appraise how far the relationship could lead to - especially when you are up in the air of your stand - so that both parties would not end up getting hurt + crushed so much if it goes cheesy; and if it goes well, it would be more steady and sturdy. No?

so what do you think about an open relationship?


i don't trust myself
Nsxon x