love at first sight - definition: 'romantic attraction for a stranger on the first sight of them' - some read it as a trope in fiction. some query such fairytale-like. i too, doubt in fairytale. but i believe in this phenomenon. simply cause i experienced it before. twice. which are both exhilarating and enlivening. which one did not set in train (start on) anyway. the conception of "they glow in your eyes" may seem rather far-fetched and implausible. but i will say "hell yeah" they do. of course they don't literally glow like a bulb, mind you.
leave out all the rest.
i am a lazy bum. a very very very lazy bum. i do not simply get involve in a relationship. too lazy to maintain one. unless i am really into you - someone whom i could envisage a far future - then i will. and when i do, i will be very devoted and committed in it (besides, providing that i am so very into you). but this always ended up me being a wounded raccoon - as the more you care the more you get hurt - with those left-broken-empty-in-despair-wanna-breath-can't-find-air kinda heartache. that's why now i don't care so much anymore. just give it a shot without being bothered by the consequence or how much does our feeling weigh and see how it lead us. just follow the flow.
when you expect nothing you get nothing. and sometimes you may even get surprises. but when you expect everything, what you get is only one thing. disappointment.
when you are hurt and pathetically licking your own wounds in despair. have you ever wondered someone(s) somewhere is also licking his wound caused by you, unintentionally? to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. well, to that person, i would say "come out come out come out come out!" whoever you are. shut your eyes tightly. clench your fist 'til they almost bleed. cautiously, lightly. gently expose what is underneath.
whatever.
i do not judge them. i evaluate. some may think that as a form of judgement. but who cares? i am good with everyone. i love all of them for a certain reason and i dislike them for a certain reason too. now it all depends on the counterbalance, weighing the weighty. and they say we should enlarge people's good quality and shadow the bad. so they say... well, they also say i am too cool. unapproachable. i do not reveal myself to everyone, easily. i may know a lot of things. i may know nothing. about myself or each of them. which i will only disclose if i am close to you. and for that to happen, i will have to fall in love with my friend first. of course not the romance kinda love but how much could we relate on our level. roar. sounds so snobbish. "some call it arrogant, i call it confident". but there are so many faces out there. how do you know which to trust and which to divulge?
i have often had occasion to observe. that a warm blundering man does more for the world than a frigid wise man.
you know sometime when you try to hold someone when eventually you put your arms around him and you feel his shoulder stiffen. suddenly, you feel that hollow sensation in your chest and you wish you could dig a hole and crawl into it right away, for another century. i don't know. you don't know. we don't know. who cares? no one understands. the future possibilities were never ours. we just crush each other into dust. pufff. gone. with the wind. and memory.
doubt thou the stars are fire. doubt that the sun doth move. doubt truth to be a liar. but never doubt my love.
att some point, i do not demand so much from that affection anymore. you know, that's love too. it ain't sex, and maybe that's too bad. but when two person care for each other, they don't have to be together, sleep together or live together. i don't know about you but yeah i do care about you. when the world has fallen out from under me. will i be found in you, still standing? when the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees. will i be found in you, still standing, too? "give love and forget you gave it" give me time, i am trying. but there are still times when i expect something in return. who cares if it's only something tiny. anyway, ne'ermind.
she sings "all my life i have been waiting. for you to bring a fairytale my way. been living in a fantasy without meaning. it's not okay. i don't feel safe. i need to pray". and your mind is swollen from months of thoughts without release. they've taken their toll on you. this very moment. of timid and fragile honesty. is precious and rare and fleeting. come out come out come out come out. wherever you are.
i am changing: less and less asleep.
Nsxon x
1 banana peels:
you are growing fast
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