i am twenty-four, i am eighteen, i am two-and-a-half, i am thirty. lives go back and forth, front and back, project yourself, take yourself back - back to a place you've never gone before cause every time you visit you construct anew.
desire, driving force, life force, flow into me, into you, through us, beyond us, play me out and break me simple.
i am in love with all my friends, i tell people. and it's true, i am. (don't tell me i can't be, don't tell me that it's impossible.) i love my people, deeply, fully -- i love their loves, their rhythms, all different , i want all of soul tangled up in mine i want your scent i want your voice your comforting presence i want your lifeblood increasing the intensity of mine i want your sex your body your soul i want you. all of you.
fingers tentatively touching my hair what does that feel like? it feels like a kiss. it tells me "i remember this, i remember you" what we used to be what we are what we could be if we were ever living on the same continent and both single. or open.
hug me twice you creep into my words into my life. sit next to me silent hearing my grief you're the one who got my anger my pain, that night. the one who will tell me words i need to hear: "how do I say this... some people are just not worth it."
friendships, relationships, people you will fight for... and those you will learn not to fight for. when you learn compassion you learn coldness too. and when you learn passion you learn... ?
i am twenty-four and a little bit more and i am raging, tonight. it is cold, tonight, i refuse to sleep alone, tonight. and so i stay awake.
i wish you were in my bed, tonight - one of you, it doesn't have to be the one with whom i'm most entangled with.
confuzzledness. make things more complex than they are/could be... people are so conventional sometimes. "are you speaking for a cat, or are you speaking for yourself?"
i didn't abandon you.
"she's moved in, and yeah, your stuff's still here, i've put just a few things away." my books, my guitar, my life with you, entangled now in somebody else's presence. there is nothing i can do, nothing i will say. except for a few words that go right through you and that is one of the times i let myself speak angry at you. anger measured to hurt but not too much. i would never try to hurt you that much. that's what we all say.
whatever.
i'm plenty distracted, over here. six hours behind and a twenty-four flight (including layovers) away... give or take a couple hours. six hours behind and there are people, people, people, women, endless options and i'm jumping at none of them. barriers, self-consciousness, everyone's dealing with their own shit.
i don't have time for you. i have no energy to spare.
i have to take care of myself. and you should, too.
six hours behind, six hours ahead, plenty distracted by the present surroundings and then i look through old messages and i want to laugh and cry and sleep like a baby just like a baby.
i can't sleep these days, i can't sleep without you here. trying to keep myself company without going crazy and mostly it works but sometimes i sit on the edge of my bed and fidget and do nothing think of going out for a walk but not wanting to think of getting some food but not wanting to just wanting to sleep, cry, sleep, love, but not being able to.
i want all of you why can't i hold you for a few nights and kiss you and leave? why can't i do that without drama without fucked up emotions without what ifs?
i want to sleep between your sheets inhale you scent and fly the next week to another continent sleep inhale another person deep deep deep.
"It could be you... for the rest of my life." oh how we fool ourselves sometimes oh how we live sabotaged lives. celebrate love, longing, art, beauty, pain. celebrate pain, shared suffering.
shared suffering on which our politics are formed STOP THE FUCKING DISCRIMINATION ALREADY. it will never stop. who will we pick on next after we're done with the fabulous transpeople? no, we don't step into the wrong bathrooms it is THE BATHROOMS that are WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrong. the signs should say "human being? animal? machine? please enter and relieve yourself." and then, "BIGOTS, FACISTS, SEXISTS, RACISTS, CAPITALISTS, HETEROSEXISTS please FUCK OFF and go bury your head in a hole."
everything is political. you might disagree. but you'll see. breathe in, breathe out. with every breath you inhale - everybody. everyone that's ever lived. we exist inside, through, within each others, give someone a hug today. for free.
we need witnesses to our lives, we live our lives for the people to whom we make most sense, we make ourselves known to someone, somewhere - we need to be gotten.
by a lover, lovers. by the woman who holds you tight all night by the boy-man who speaks his emotions to you by the girl who reminds you of every friend you ever had by the queer child who looks into your eyes, curious.
by the woman you let fuck you deep drive you past pleasure into gasps sharp intakes of breath moments of incredulous happiness the woman who make you smile like you've never smiled before. you say "i love you" ten times a day, maybe more, because that's what you feel like you're absolutely in love like you've never been before and when you fight the pain has never been as exquisite, as beautiful, as real.
hold me as i'm falling i need you, some of you, all of you, now. later. sometime. tonight i am here, alone. and tomorrow, and the night after.
but tomorrow i will see you at lunch and the lifeblood will start flowing again i will bear this for a while i look into your brown eyes highlighted by the sun shining through the window in that cafe we eat in every day and i see you, i see me, i see us in our limited connection, we are entangled, we are one, we are distinct, we are passion and ice and distance and shared warmth, and i love you.
hwa yixing
Nsxon x
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